


A Fantasy Government PSA: Elves (Hyper farting)

by CasFics



Category: Fantasy - Fandom
Genre: Elf, Elves, Fart Fetish, Farting, Gen, Hyper Farting, hyper fart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-19 22:45:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18979882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CasFics/pseuds/CasFics
Summary: A friendly guide from your favourite higher-ups at the fantasy government! This helpful PSA will tell you everything you need to know about how gassy elves can be and how to categorise and then deal with it.





	A Fantasy Government PSA: Elves (Hyper farting)

It's a well known fact that elves are incredibly gassy, the extent of which is known both around the globe and even on different planes of existence, but how nuanced are YOU on the dire consequences of feeding an elf something you shouldn't? This enclosed document will tell you all you need to know.  
A Guide To An Elf's Gassiness (Scale used is based on how much of a typical mild curry the elf has ingested.):

1 Spoonful: Fairly average gas, easy to deal with unless you're sensitive to the smell, farts are approximately 2-4 seconds long and about the strength of a light breeze. The only possible threat here is being an enclosed space with the elf, while their farts are timed at a normal length, their gas may not subside until several hours have passed.

3 Spoonfuls: These farts are still breathable with only mild discomfort but are magnitudes more powerful. Farts become loud enough to echo through a conference hall and the stench reaches the other side in a matter of minutes, though will be only half as strong as they are at the source. Farts are at a strength where nearby windows in a 10 meter radius will shake and loose clothing will be lifted, about 8-12 seconds long each. Try to stay at a moderate distance at this level.

10 Spoonfuls: The sort of gas you have to prep for beforehand, and the last level you can expect to be around and stay on your feet- even so, keep a steady stance if too close in case you lose your footing, because now the elf's 'poots' have reached gale force levels of power, as well as inducing nausea and drowsiness on the untrained nose, this will likely start becoming pleasurable for the elf, allowing loss of self control leading to greater gas levels. Be equipped with preventative measures such as a gas mask or air freshener if you suspect an elf may reach this stage.

Half a bowl: Seriously dangerous rippers, these rumbling farts hold the potential to bust down any wall it's aimed at provided it's weak enough while nearby glass will likely shatter if not already flung into the wall by the cyclone-like winds in the elf's range. Gas masks are recommended if you absolutely have to stay close, otherwise seek shelter far away, the smell may knock out even seasoned fart sniffers if exposed for too long. If possible, try to contain the elf before the effects begin by plugging them up with a large nearby object, if they've started farting already it's too late to stop them, either leave the area or try to instruct them not to damage anything.

A whole bowl: RUN. Escape on foot, because of the earthquake-like results from an entire serving, transport vehicles will be too hindered to function. Do not attempt to collect valuables and hold your breath as long as possible while you evacuate; farting sessions like these can last up to two days at most, so holing up inside won't do you any good. Do not come back within a 10 mile radius after the farting has subsided, residual stench is still potent enough to bring people with protection to their knees. In an event like this, officers trained to deal with even the most lethal of elf gassiness will soon arrive at the scene to try and minimalize damage or possibly even neutralise the threat with specially designed serums meant to counteract digestion, it will be impossible to safely remove the gas already produced, so you should still keep a safe distance even if the elf has been dosed.

3+ bowls: Sadly to say, an event of this scale is impossible to avoid if you're within its blast radius. The single, continuous fart produced by the elf in question is so powerful that the military once saught to harness its explosive capability in wars, but the single, catastrophic test deemed it too inhumane to use on even demons. Data on gas at this level is limited to the only experiment ever performed, but as far as we know, the elf will only let out one cataclysmic ripper at the force of an atom bomb, non stop for an entire day until it sputters to a close, the pressure is too high to let it out over a longer period. Only if the world is in ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN doom should you ever feed an elf more than 5 bowls, as a last ditch effort.


End file.
